One hundred one-liners

Okay, let’s have some fun! Here’s some one-liners for you, and you can memorise them if you want (or just have a laugh, whatever).

Unless you’re a natural born comedian, there have probably been times when you would have loved to have a fund of ready made one-liners/clever comments/jokes, already memorised, so you could come out with something amusing just at the right moment. Well, now you can! As long as you’re prepared to put in a bit of memorising, of course. It’s not gonna happen by magic!

I’ve put together 100 one-liners I found here and there, and they’re not bad, mostly – in fact some are really good – although some, to be honest, are pretty lame! But anyway, that’s objective – what amuses me might make you wonder what the hell I was thinking when I selected them! Doesn’t really matter, it’s just a memory exercise. And I’ve tried to link some of them, wherever possible,  to their number positions, just to make them a bit easier to memorise.

Oh, and if you can’t be bothered to try to memorise them, no problem, just have a bit of fun reading them! 

1  I, for one, like Roman numerals.
2  There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: Those who remain very quiet and those who never stop talking.
3  I’m on a whiskey diet … I’ve lost three days already. laugh1
4  OK, so er …  what’s the speed of dark?
5  How do you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?
6  Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 
7  Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
8  Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW! 
9  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
10  There are 10 types of people; those who understand binary code and those who don’t.
smiley-laughing

 

11  Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
12  Two snowmen in a field. One says, “that’s funny … I smell carrots, too.”
13  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
14  I intend to live forever – so far, so good.drunk smiley
15  Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
16  Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?
17  Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
18  I prayed for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
19  I’m writing a book. It’s going okay, I’ve nearly got the page numbers done. 
20  Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Felix the cat

laugh2

 


21  Who the hell is this General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk anyway?

22  Hold on, what happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23  I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
24  I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.laugh1-50
25  Never go to bed angry, stay up all night and plot your revenge.
26  If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
27  Couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me. 
28  Save water – take a bath with your neighbour’s daughter.
29  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 
30  Okay, money can’t buy happiness, but it’s a lot more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bike.
laughing

 

31  They call it ‘PMS’ because ‘mad cow disease’ was already taken.
32  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
33  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
34  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? 
35  If you lent someone money and never saw them again, it was probably money well spent.Felix the cat
36  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
37  Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
38  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his coach.
40  Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.
giggling

 


41  A fool and his money are soon partying.
42  42.7% of all statistics are completely made up.
43  If you worry nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.laugh1
44  Drugs may lead nowhere in the end, but at least you get there via the scenic route.
45  I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
46  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s definitely still on the list.
47  Always borrow money from pessimists – they don’t really expect it back.
48  Half the people you know are below average.
49  Money can’t buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bike.
50  Plan to be spontaneous … tomorrow.

51  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
52  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
53  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.   laugh1
54  All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
55  What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.smile
56  I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
57  I came up with a brand new word yesterday: Plagiarism.
58  I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
59  A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
60  Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.laugh2

 

61  At least you’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
62  You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.                   smiley-laughing
63  What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
64  Well, you know what they say about cliffhangers …
65  What thinks the unthinkable? An itheburg.
66  A physicist is trying to talk a man out of jumping off a bridge; he says, “Don’t jump, you have so much potential.”giggling
67  A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
68  What animal jumps higher than a house? Any animal. Houses can’t jump.
69  My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Well … we’ll see about that.
70  What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Anyone can chop beef …
laugh1

 

71  Whose bright idea was it to spell dyslexia like that?
72  IKEA has sponsored our local school. Now assembly takes ages.

73  “Better out than in,” my uncle always used to say. He was a lousy heart surgeon.
74  A day without sun shine is like … er, you know, night.
75  Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have more sex, more often.    laughing
76  The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
77  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!
78  What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea? It gets wet.
79  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. And then it hit me.
80  The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.smile

 

81  Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
82  Last week a hypnotist convinced me that I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
83  I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we even met.smiley-laughing
84  There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
85  It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose!
86  “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Unless you’re at a funeral.
87  I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
88  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
89  <!–F u cn rd ths, u cn prbbly gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng–>
90  When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body … men, being so polite, only stare at the covered parts.
laugh2

 

91  Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
92  Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, “Is it just me or does he taste a bit funny to you?”
93  I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.Felix the cat
94  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
95  9/5th of the general public don’t fully understand fractions.
96  Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
97  Hallelujah! We found Jesus! Turns out he was behind the sofa all along.
98  What’s reddish brown and bad for your teeth? A brick.
99  99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
100  I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. 
giggling

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